I’m back! (I think)

It’s been quite a while since my last post. I got distracted with tumblr and then just went off the internet altogether. But, here I am again, about to try to catch you up with what’s been happening!

I moved houses last month after housesitting at a farm for a friend. It was gorgeous there, though looking after a family’s worth of chickens by myself for a week… lets just say I’m not overly fond of eggs at the moment…

I also hate rams…

I’ve also decided to create stories from a few vivid dreams that I had a few weeks ago, in accordance to the ‘scribing’ that Loki had me doing in the dream I had last year. 

On a more serious note, I’ve been learning to recognise and manage my anxieties better. To make it easier to keep up with, I’ve dedicated any exercise I do to Odin, while I’m dedicating training my mental discipline to Sutekh. It’s made it a lot easier so far to get out of bed, since I’m not doing it just for me anymore.

Anyways, I’m hoping to keep you all up to date more often! 🙂

I might have created a matrix of stuff in astral-land I can’t tell. Also “finally!”

Last night I used meditation to try to get to the astral consciously. And it worked. As far as I can remember anyway.

Ok so I’m going to have to go into a bit of background here to be able to explain some thoughts I had; things I haven’t been posting because I didn’t know how to write them.

For a start, about a month ago, I was playing chess with Sutekh while I was in the shower. Yes, I know, that sounds weird to me too. It was like there was a screen in the top right corner of my vision. It was a red room, with a wooden table against one wall that held a black vase and some other things that I don’t remember. In the middle of the room was a chess table, or maybe a small table with a chess board on it, I can’t quite tell. I sat at one end of the table, across from Sutekh and it looks like we are in the middle of a game and I’m just thinking “wtf I’m trying to shower” He makes a move and I stand up, thinking, well if I’m in the astral, if I walk out the door, there will be something out there that I’ve never seen before. Logic, right? So I walk out of the room into a beautiful garden, with grass, some trees, there may or may not have been a white peacock, I can never fully trust my memory. And, of course, my head goes, ‘well even though I have never seen this before, maybe I just don’t remember seeing it on tv or whatever’. Just to piss myself off. My head is rarely satisfied with the conclusions it comes to. So after a while of repeating this with a few other doors, Sutekh just sort of planning his chess moves, I go and sit back down. He motions that it’s my move. We play for a bit before He says,

“You used to be a lot better at this.”

“What, at chess?”

“Being here, but yes, definitely that too.”

Well thanks… I wasn’t there for much longer after that, my flatmates baby was being too cute and demanded my attention.

From my exchange with Sutekh, questions started to arise. I’d never really thought about past lives or anything much before, but since I’ve never really been that good at chess, and I can barely get to the astral consciously, the only conclusion that I can draw from that small conversation (other than I’m crazy, and not in a good way) is that I have had at least one past life where I’ve been good at both.

So, back to my experience last night. I was dictating the songs I wanted on my meditation playlist, seeing as my bf was on the computer at the time, trying to finish his assignment. As we were finishing I got flashes of a picture of Djehuty. This was weird mostly because I haven’t had much to do with Him so far. I told my bf (you know what, lets just call him J) and he said, “well maybe He likes Mogwai?” as we had that playing at the time. Who knows…

So I started meditating. Everything was fine, I was very relaxed. Then I was somewhere else.

It looked kind of like the Matrix ,but instead of green numbers against a black background, there were… pictures? Images? Impressions? against a sort of clearish, bluish, non-existent background. I immediately knew what it was. How? I had a sort of flashback.

I was sitting cross-legged in a place that could only have been the astral. The place I mentioned above in fact, only without the impressions. Opposite me was a person, sitting the same way I was. We had decided to make a library of memories and advice and anything we could think of that would help anyone. What we did was take every fibre of our being, every memory of everything we had done, and push them out into this space, able to be accessed by anyone.

Obviously it had been added to since we had done this because as I stood there last night it was massive. The library stretched as far and high as I could see, which was quite far in that place. And there were people there. Some desperate, some simply browsing the memories put up by so many beings.

By the time I was finished there it was 4am and I can’t remember anything else that I did there. Bugger. If anyone else has been to this place I would really like to know, because as I mentioned, my brain is never satisfied with the conclusions it draws and it would be nice to know I’m not crazy or have some sort of weird creator complex or something…

Talking to Set.

My ‘godphone’ is very staticy. It doesn’t work so good. So I’ve decided to try to talk to Set through tarot, something that was talked about briefly on tumblr. The first thing I asked has gotten a large response. I asked “What are you trying to tell me that I’m not hearing?” The response:

1. Page of Wands (reversed). What I get from that (from 3 sources) News is coming from an unexpected source (I wasn’t sure I would get a response so maybe that’s this). Listen to your intuition and talk to people about experiences.
2. The Star (reversed). You are doubting, this is clouding your perception and slowing your growth.Trust yourself and reach out to others.
3. Knight of Wands. Come to conclusions on your own terms: be self confident. Take time to explore before spending time and money on new things (*looks bashful* I have bought things in the past before really exploring). Positive work message- I have recently asked for help with job hunting. Perhaps this means he will help me?
4. 2 of Cups. Things are going well. “Development of an important relationship”. I think he approves of my attempts to work with him.
5. The Devil. Discontent leads to stagnation. Don’t be so tied to material things that you neglect the spiritual.  Look deeper than the superficial. Perhaps he’s afraid I will be swayed by people who view Set as a ‘bad chaos god’?
6. Queen of Wands. I think here he’s telling me to be more outgoing and self confident. Again: talk to people
7. 7 of Swords. Everyone is allowed to have secrets, so don’t pry too much. You don’t need a leader to grow spiritually, go explore on your own.

So the bottom line of what Set is trying to tell me is: go talk to people, listen to your gut and explore and don’t get too material. Oh, and he likes the fact that I’m trying to communicate. This is good. Very reassuring.

I think I shall use this method of communication more often. It works rather well.

Am I doing it right?

I have decided to focus my energy on one thing at a time. In this context, I’m going to choose the thing that has been pulling at me the hardest, rather than trying to be two different things. I have decided to work with Kemeticism, or to be more precise: Set. Ever since I started reading one particular blog (that is about Kemeticism) I’ve been drawn to it, especially to Set (which the blog/post wasn’t really about at all).

To start my ‘relationship’ with Him, I made an offering of water and cheese (I was out of bread 😦 ) I don’t know whether He liked it or not though. I’m not very good at ‘hearing’ or seeing signs or anything. Gah. This is making me feel like I’m 14 again, when I started out with Wicca not knowing what the hell I was doing, but hoping I was doing it right.

How does one know if they’re doing it right?

Changing the way you think

During a conversation with a lovely blogger, I have discovered a something about myself that bears writing down. Over the years I have always considered one of my core beliefs to be an ‘all life is sacred, harm none’ type of point of view. So of course when I found myself thinking (when my job was about to send me door knocking for a disability charity) “the only reason these people are alive is because the human race has developed so far that we don’t need them. Why don’t we just ‘Darwinism’?” I was a wee bit horrified at myself. Now don’t get me wrong here, I don’t actually believe they should all die. I don’t really care at all actually. Still bad, but not as horrifying. This starts making sense when I start thinking about the gods that have called to me.

The ones who first come knocking are usually the ‘dark’ gods, the ones associated with death and chaos. For example, a few years ago I was reading on the internet about Heimdall and Hel was mentioned as the guardian of the gate to the underworld. I barely skimmed over this section, looking for something else (I don’t remember what) but over the years the guardian of that gate has stuck with me, even though I only remembered her name a few days ago. I am also feeling rather drawn to Set right now, for more than the fact that he is a bringer of change. I’m not sure what that is yet, just a feeling.

Yes, life is sacred (why else would it be sacrificed?). Yes, I still believe that you shouldn’t harm anyone, simply because without consent, what human has the right? But looking back, I feel like I’ve been a bit “fluffy” (for want of a better word) in how I thought about it. I can’t think of any particular situation or example, but the feeling is there. I think it’s time to stop thinking that way.

EDIT: In no way do I think that the life of any disabled person does not matter. They matter just as much and sometimes more than any other living being. The random thought I had horrifies me as much as it does others. It was a weird moment and by no means stereotypical of my head.